Helping Children Build Self-Esteem
Helping Your Children Feel Like They Count
Children enter the world with an innate need to belong. In order to survive and flourish, children must master what Dr. Terry Kottman calls the four Crucial Cs—courage, count, capable, and connect.
What are the four Crucial Cs and how can you help your child develop in each area? In the next few blog posts we will explore each one in depth.
Count
Children want to feel like they are valued for their unique contributions in their families and peer groups. They long to feel significant and look for ways to stand out. In families I often find siblings take on very different roles in order to count. If one child excels in athletics, the other will focus on academics or cultivate other talents.
Children who feel they count believe they are valued and have a healthy self-esteem. They believe they make a difference in the world and don’t hesitate to jump in and add their contributions at school and at home.
A quick note: many children (and adults) often feel like they count if—their significance and value is conditional based on a specific trait. For instance, a girl may feel like she counts if she is pretty. A pimple or a few extra pounds on vacation could lead to significant distress, not merely because of a minor blemish, but because she believes her value is tied to her beauty.
I see this frequently in play therapy particularly with children struggling with perfectionism. A child feels like love and belonging are tied to grades, trophies, or appearance. You can often sense if you are in the presence of a child struggling to count. Playing games can feel like life or death with these children. A friendly game of “Sorry” can often end in yelling, throwing, cheating, and bragging. While each child has particular gifts, emphasize your love for your child because of who he or she IS not based on performance.
Children who do not believe they count feel that they are insignificant and unworthy. They feel a deep sense of shame for who they are and may react by lashing out and trying to hurt others. Children who do not feel like they count often have a poor self-esteem, give up easily, try to hurt others, or act superior as a defense mechanism.
Do any of these behaviors sound familiar? If so, don’t worry. There are many ways to help children feel like they count.
Devote 15-30 minutes a day to play with your child or work on collaborative projects (stories/puzzles)
Emphasize your child’s unique contributions to the family
Give the child responsibilities and acknowledge their contributions
Set up time for the child to teach younger siblings or children in the community
Lastly, do you believe you count as a parent? Do you believe you are a valuable part of your family? When things go wrong, do you blame others in the family for not valuing your contributions? Have you given up as a parent or act superior to compensate for feeling inadequate? If you are looking for more support as a parent, reach out!
*Adapted by Terry Kottman from: Lew, A., & Bettner, B.L. (1998). Responsibility in the classroom: A teacher’s guide to understanding and motivating students AND A parent’s guide to motivating children. Newton Center, MA: Connexions Press.